“You’re not the same as you were before,” he said. You were much more… muchier… you’ve lost your muchness.” ~ Lewis Carroll, Alice’s Adventures in Wonderland / Through the Looking-Glass
I used to proudly say things like, “I’m a chameleon, I can fit in anywhere.” I said those things because I was afraid of not fitting in. I felt like if I was completely authentic, someone would punish me for being too much. So I held back. I tried to be whoever others wanted me to be instead of myself. I didn’t have a clear idea of who I was. I wanted to be liked, and I thought I had to be someone else to make that happen.
I spent the past couple of years becoming. I did this through a whole lot of inner searching, healing, and listening. I saw behaviors that were defenses against being hurt but kept me from having deep relationships. I listened to the things I was saying to myself and was often horrified at how mean I was. I paid attention to how afraid I was of standing out, even though I love crazy-colored edgy hairstyles and wearing artsy clothes. I wanted to be seen, and I was terrified of being seen at the same time.
It started to sink in that I am approaching those years where a lot of women become invisible and ignored. That started to scare me more than my fear of being too much. I began to realize that I had wasted a lot of years when it’s more socially acceptable to stand out. If I wasn’t careful, I was going to slide into the last half of my life carrying a whole lot of baggage about what a woman of a certain age is supposed to look like and act like, and be. I understood that if I was ever going to figure out how to be myself, I had better get started.
I sought out every book, course, and challenge I could get my hands on that promised to teach me how to be better. When my business coach pointed out in early 2020 that I was constantly looking for ways to fix myself, I felt like I had another thing to fix, which sent me seeking even more. I thought I might always be seeking at that point.
I discovered I did not lack time, but was filling all of my time with tangential reading and learning.
~ Janelle Hardy https://www.janellehardy.com/about/
I see now that I was avoiding the real issue. I wanted to feel comfortable in my skin. I wanted to stop being who I thought would make other people happy, and be happy for myself. I began to realize I wasn’t going to find myself in someone else’s story. I had to write my own story, and be willing to be too much. There was going to be no avoiding it.
I am now me, with all the muchness I was afraid to show until now. How it happened isn’t glamorous. It was a concerted effort to make friends with myself. To listen to me. To comfort the hurts and to stop abusing myself with my inner dialogue. Stay tuned to this blog, where I will attempt to share with you what got me from a serious lack of muchness to being completely in love with my muchness. I’m not too much, and neither are you. The world is waiting for your unique brand of muchness. Let’s walk together and see what it’s like to stop hiding that muchier you.